It has been nearly a year since I last “put pen to paper” as it pertains to this blog. Last I wrote I was in a hard place, having had experienced quite a bit of defeat throughout 2017. There was loss, in more ways than one, and another battle was growing over the horizon. As it turns out this inevitable challenge would become an amazing blessing. I found out I was pregnant over Christmas, the same day I lost my job due to the company being shut down and everyone being laid off. This news, however, came at a time when I was almost certain that I was experiencing “that time of the month.” Bleeding and pregnancy often result in unfavorable results and the fear of miscarriage, or possibly worse, loomed over me like a heavy shadow. To our happy surprise all was well. I went on to have a low risk pregnancy and healthy baby, but I will elaborate on that more later.
Being pregnant is not easy, not even for an experienced mom such as myself. The stress of blood tests and ultrasounds wasn’t helping things either. The timing wasn’t great with having to switch medical insurance but at least I was getting the answers I needed. I was grateful that the bleeding final stopped and my HCG (pregnancy hormone) continued to rise well. The first ultrasound was inconclusive but finally another ultrasound, performed at a later date, revealed that baby was growing just fine. I was able to relax a little; we survived the New Year changeover. I was even able to establish care with my favorite birth center again. The next hurtle to wage war over me was the dreaded first trimester symptoms which promptly were in full swing. Sea Bands were my new best friend but despite constant nausea I never threw up. Food never sounded good but a voracious appetite took over. Fatigue was prominently weighing on me like a mack truck so bad that I was having troubles getting off the couch or functioning at all. I have never been able to fall asleep during the day, even when exhausted, but here I was taking the occasional unintended nap. Did I mention I was watching children other than my own? My two oldest girls are school aged so during the week they don’t get home until 3:30 in the afternoon, but while they are gone I have our toddler and other littles in my care. From time to time I would watch my brother & sister-in-law/friend’s twin girls, whom turned 1 over the summer, for a few hours here and there but typically I had my friend’s two boys, ages 3 and 1, in my care. The boys would arrive at my home at 5:30 in the morning four to five days a week and be here for 10 hours a stretch. I love these little boys, and I consider myself blessed to have been able to be a part of their lives since birth. Their mother has been my friend for 20 years so really this is family. Still, I quickly became overwhelmed with caring for myself and others while juggling other areas of my life.
My husband Bobby had been debating a change of career for years, something that would offer room for growth, progress, and support for our growing family. For whatever reason he was now ready to take that leap and he made the bold choice to leave his job of 10+ years and start a new career with the Laborer’s Union. A mutual acquaintance of ours helped get his foot in the door so everything moved forward fairly quickly. Before taking a job Bobby had to go through a week long unpaid training course as well as purchase new tools and gear. Here it was now the middle of February. I was nearing the end of my first trimester so I chose to publicly announce the pregnancy (Facebook) on Valentine’s Day while Bobby was away. He was successful in his endeavors and was immediately placed with a company after completing the training school. At this point Bobby’s focus was primarily on establishing a good rapport and proving himself to be an asset to his employer. This was a huge transition, one that we discussed in detail on a daily basis. The timing was tricky because a change in career meant taking a pay cut, quite a few out of pocket expenses, and start up union dues. I supported Bobby in his decision although I knew that financially we would be taking a pretty big hit and it would mean a lot of change. This was a shift that would be better for us down the line and although there was no immediate security Bobby was feeling some emotional relief. Over the last year he had developed some unexpected anxiety and Bobby was finding that he was burdened by the stress of a job that held no meaning for him. The Union offered just what he needed and shortly after starting this new career much of his anxiety had begun to fade.
A few weeks into my second trimester the worst symptoms had finally tapered off and I was feeling better physically. I managed to have just about every pregnancy symptom imaginable although thankfully the only extreme variation happened to be the constant fatigue. Emotional and mental mentality was a different story. Never before had I been so weepy, sensitive, and irritable. When I was pregnant with baby #3 I experienced a natural high; I was frequently elated and had great energy. You cannot really compare pregnancies as each one is typically different, and unfortunately I drew the short straw this time around. Money has been a constant worry and that much tighter since I no longer had the part time photography job. We had to get a new vehicle because with baby coming we were becoming a family of 6 and our 5 seater wasn’t going to cut it. Unfortunately our monthly auto payments went up harshly and the entire process went anything but smoothly. Still we pressed on. I had to keep reminding myself of all the blessings in my life. My initial blood work showed that my levels were good and baby was growing beautifully. Watching the boys brought in some much needed income and my parents offered us endless support.
Despite going from one physically demanding job to another Bobby began to feel the strain of his new position. He came to realize later that he was placed in the mother of all challenging work situations and it definitely was taxing. Bobby faced some serious pain from minor injury and severe muscle tension. He began experiencing numbness in his hands and excruciating agony that would wake him during the night. We tried everything to relieve the symptoms but massage, heat, and stretching were only a temporary solution. Between a night-owl toddler and physical ailments neither of us was getting any sleep so our individual states of well-being continued to suffer. Eventually some time to adapt accompanied by medical assistance offered relief but when the construction site reached completion at the end of April Bobby was sent back to the hall to get signed up with a new position. Thankfully this next (and still current) job was in the beginning stages and a cake walk compared to his previous physical exertion. Bobby put his focus into succeeding in this career and I put my focus into surviving pregnancy. Somewhere in between we attempted to provide for our children’s needs and juggle our other responsibilities.
This summer proved to be a test on my relationship with Bobby. We have had our occasional fights over the years but were not typically known for being argumentative. Somewhere in the chaos of life there was a disconnect. Perhaps it was in part due to my own selfishness as I became solely concentrated on the pregnancy and was feeling extremely needy. We began to argue frequently with no resolve. All aspects of ourselves didn’t seem to line up. When I was hot he was cold, when he was set I was not, when I was down he was down. I process things through expression but Bobby tends to internalize. This is one of the few ways where being quite opposite does not bode well for us. We were not communicating well despite our efforts.
Third trimester ushered in an increase of pregnancy symptoms including iron deficiency. My midwives suggested an iron supplement that had received great feedback so I began taking that immediately. For the first time in my life, and I have ended up on iron supplements with every pregnancy, my body did not respond well to this supplementation. The nausea increasingly got worse to the point where I couldn’t keep the pill down. I hadn’t vomited in years, not even when I had a stomach bug, but here I was taken down by this tiny supplement. If you know me than you know the thing I despise most with illness is throwing up. After that I worked hard at improving my diet so to naturally increase red blood cell count, hemoglobin, hematocrit, and ferritin levels. I cooked in a cast iron skillet, upped my vitamin c, and I limited my dairy intake, timing it so there would be little to no calcium interfering with iron absorption. Unfortunately after weeks of constant effort the new blood work revealed a dip in my levels, not an increase. In order to be able to deliver at the birth center the mother-to-be has to have a hemoglobin count of 10 or higher and I was at exactly 10. I began to panic. The risk of blood loss during delivery and other such complications became a very real fear. My midwives were incredible, supportive, and encouraging through this entire process. I ended up on a combination of a liquid iron and another pill in conjunction with Yellow Dock extract. Finally, with much determination, my levels rose to a comfortable place. Many of my symptoms began to let up with this improvement including some of the tiredness that had been plaguing me. I had less weakness, dizziness, and headaches and my shortness of breath improved… although not entirely as baby was also contributing to this. All my strange cravings, such as the need to smell raw coffee beans and to eat ice, miraculously disappeared. Where some symptoms faded others increased as I got closer to my estimated due date of September 3rd (Labor Day!).
I put myself on “maternity leave” at the beginning of August, just after Bobby returned from his second set of classes for his job. Instead of one week this time he would be gone for the majority of two. Monday through Thursday was spent at the training school and a hotel but thankfully he was able to be home on weekends. Being very pregnant, limited in getting around, and looking after up to 7 kids at one time while unable to see my husband at the end of the day was brutal but I have some amazing people in my life that helped get me through it. My last day nannying was Bobby’s last day of training; this meant that even though I had my own three kids to care for I was no longer watching the boys or the twins. I told myself that I wouldn’t do any photography sessions either but when the opportunity arose to do some freelance work I took it. As it turns out, starting my time off early on was a smart move on my part as baby surprised us with an early arrival. I gave birth to a healthy 6 pound 15 ounce baby boy on August 22nd. He is perfect in every way and definitely makes the struggles of this last year all worthwhile. There is a sense of completion that is overwhelmingly beautiful which I cannot fully describe.
Our little one is now 2 months old and growing well. Life is still challenging us with twists and turns but I am reminded of the delicately marvelous nature of our existence in this little guy. He is the bright light when everything looks dark. Bobby has recently refocused his efforts in a more balanced way and has been more attentive to mine and our children’s needs. This has helped me to be more receptive as well, and we are working on mending the damage our relationship took this past year. Financially things have never been harder, and it feels like we might be taking steps back rather than moving forward, but we have each other as well as the love and support of family and friends. Unfortunately the mood swings of pregnancy don’t just end when baby is born but I have definitely seen an improvement during this postpartum period. Less irritable for sure although still very emotional and sensitive. There is so much happening right now that it is hard not to be overwhelmed but I am learning to trust in the grand design. I am signed up for physical therapy, our youngest daughter Ember is enrolled in a program to encourage her speech development, our oldest daughter Rayne is having issues with bullying in school, not sure if we will make rent this month (in the 4 years we have lived here we’ve never been late), and I am feeling some detachment and sadness over some of my oldest friends…. But life goes on. I can choose to let the hardships weigh me down or I can grow through these experiences, let them teach me something. Literally every aspect of my life is facing adversity right now but even in the midst of misfortune I am not without Love.